dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
(2022)
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.