me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.