My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me, in DM rooms…