Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
we’re gonna need another temp
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Danger is very dangerous
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
shit just got real
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s