The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me hooking up with my ex
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.