learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.