20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.