5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
You Might Also Like
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any