The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
That 👊
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.