Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
me irl
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.