4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application