It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.