Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.