[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
bout dat hot dog summer
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters