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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?