TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.