My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”