[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*skinny dips into black hole
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?