My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
These are my roll models.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall