Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Still a very good boi….
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.