Who does Amazon think I am?
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
(Gaming support cat.)
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.