[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Wait a minute
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
All right stop, coagulate and thicken