Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
next question.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]