Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You Might Also Like
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually