I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school