Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?