My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.