You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
nothing saves money like being antisocial
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
called in thicc to work this morning
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax