The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster