to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The 6 types of sex
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place