*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
everyone’s a critic
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY