me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
It has been 3 years since Monday.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?