If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.