We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes