Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Interior design 👌
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}