Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”