i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.