lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice