Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side