My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*