My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Mountain Goat : )
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.