YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
my mom making me talk to relatives
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Solving a traffic jam
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.