Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.