Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Webb. James Webb.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I found your tweet-up…
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.