me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.