Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
You Might Also Like
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
#parenting
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
San Francisco has too many rules
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one