Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
It be like that sometimes 😆
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out