quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.