It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
🤣could you imagine
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I put the mess in domestic.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that