My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.